All At Once
by ferryboats7
Summary: This Takes place in current season, current place. MerDer of course. Meredith is dating Finn, but can't seem to move on from Derek. Can she and Derek actually be friends? Conclusion up!
1. Tiny Vessels

_**All At Once**_

**Well, I'm back. I've decided to work on both the sequel to How to Save a Life and this one, which is basically a look at MerDer in what I hope will happen for the rest of the season, based on this whole Finn angle or whatever. Drama, romance, etc is sure to ensue. But the reason I started this first is because I had a clear idea about it, and I'm still working on a storyline for the sequel, which will hopefully begin in the next few days. I'm on spring break and, as I'm boring, am not going anywhere, so I'll have a lot of time. And by the way, All At Once is another song by the great band The Fray (as was How to Save a Life) because the lyrics just reminded me of MerDer. Anywayz, enjoy, and review plz. It starts not too far from where we left off this season.**

"Morning."

Derek? She thought blearily. Shit. She caught herself right before saying that name. She'd been dreaming, obviously. That was the only time she woke up next to Derek.

Meredith opened her eyes and blinked at the ceiling. For a brief moment, she felt surprised by the absence of hangover. But then her mind seemed to wake up and she realized that this was not the normal morning after, the one with some guy she had met and slept with after meeting in a bar and was planning on discarding in the time it took him to get out of bed.

She turned on her side and met his eyes. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." Finn smiled easily. Meredith returned it, feeling awkward. This was the point of conversation where she'd stick in her famous line…something about taking a shower, and when she got back here, he wouldn't be there.

But he would. She thought so, anyway. For how long, she wasn't sure.

They'd been on several 'dates' now. She didn't call them that, except in her head, and even then they were accompanied by quotations, as though that made them any less real.

Christina and Izzie thought it was great. They encouraged her, they thought he was gorgeous; they were already debating on his nickname.

Meredith told them she didn't want to talk about that yet. Christina found that hilarious. She'd said, "Oh, yeah, you have to really get to know a guy before we McNickname him, huh? That's like a pre-engagement thing?"

She didn't know what this was. A relationship? But what the hell kind of relationship had her thinking of Derek every few moments when they were out somewhere together?

Derek. Her ex. Her new 'friend'. And Addison. His wife. Also her 'friend'.

Supposedly.

Did friends have to remind each other that they were friends for every conversation they had? Addison and Derek were constantly adding _as a friend_ or _because we're friends_ to their comments to her.

Meredith doubted it. She also doubted that anyone experienced what she felt when she was around Derek with just a 'friend'.

And friends told each other when they were dating someone new, right?

Finn stood up and headed to her bathroom. He smiled at her in that charming way as he went.

Later, Meredith walked into the kitchen to find Izzie sitting at the bar eating a muffin. She raised her eyebrows and grinned. "Late night?"

Meredith shrugged.

"Where is McSexy?"

Meredith made a face.

"No? You don't like it." She sighed. "We'll have to come up with something else."

Finn entered the kitchen. "Morning, Izzie."

"Morning."

"Hope we didn't keep you up last night." He said smoothly with a grin, resting a hand lightly on Meredith's back.

Izzie bit back a smile. "I'm sort of used to it." Meredith glared at her. "I mean. . .with our old roommate." She glared back a Meredith.

Finn approached the oven. "Those muffins smell great, Izzie. You mind?"

"Help yourself." She turned to Mer and whispered, "McCharmy."

"No." Meredith hissed back, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I gotta take off. Got patients just like you guys." He gave Meredith a soft, quick kiss. "We're still on for tonight?"

"Course." She smiled.

"I'll come get you at work. Eight, right?"

She nodded affirmatively.

"Alright. Well, I'll see you then." Walking toward the door, he called back. "See you, Izzie."

"Bye!" Izzie turned and grinned at Meredith. "McYummy."

"Give it a rest."

"Meredith, seriously, why are you not more happy? He's a great guy, and he's totally gorgeous."

"I know, I get that. He's a great guy. He makes me laugh. I have fun with him, and that's something. It really is, especially for me. I just feel uncomfortable about it."

Izzie was quiet for a moment. "It's Derek, isn't it?"

Meredith stared fixedly into her mug as she poured cream into the coffee and watched it swirl. Finally, she answered, "Yeah, a little. I'm sorry, but it is, and you don't get to judge me on that because I can't help it."

"How long are you gong to let him ruin your life?"

Meredith scowled at her. She was so sick of having this conversation in about a hundred different varieties with Izzie and Christina. _Get over him_. As if the desire was all it took. As if she was somehow choosing to keep feeling like this. "I can't _help _it. You never listen to anything I say. Besides, I'm just not _quite _over him. _Yet. _I will be. We're friends."

"That's not what you want."

"But it's all I get. It's all I'm ever going to get. I need to start. . .I don't know, accepting that. And Finn's great. And you have to admit, this is a big step up from meaningless one night stands."

"True." Izzie paused, then said slyly, "So since you and Derek are such good friends, are you going to let him know about your new boyfriend? Friends tell each other those things."

"No, I'm not. And do you know why? Because I told you and Christina, also my friends, and it was clearly a mistake."

Izzie lifted the mug to her lips and sipped. "Well, he's going to find out eventually. Probably sooner than later, seeing as he's picking you up at work now."

Meredith's eyes widened. "Oh, God. I did tell him to pick me up at the hospital, didn't I? Why did I do that. . ."

"The real question is, why do you care?"

Meredith felt slightly panicky. "I just don't want him to know yet, okay?" Why didn't she? It made no sense, really. . .he was _married_. She could date if she wanted to. But she had that same feeling she had when she told him she'd slept with George. She didn't want to see that look on his face again.

And this was worse. She was _dating. _

"It's just a little awkward." She muttered.

Izzie grinned. "Your new friend Addison will be thrilled."

Meredith gritted her teeth. "Addison isn't my friend. And she has no reason to care one way or another who I date."

"She does, though. It gets you out of the way."

Meredith was becoming more annoyed with Izzie as the conversation progressed. "I'm not _in _her way. In case she missed it, he picked her. If she's not even satisfied with that than she can just-"

"Meredith, chill. Whether you are or not, I don't know, but she definitely sees you as being in her way."

"Yeah, that's why she's so into us being 'friends'." Meredith said bitterly.

"Well, no offense, but get over it. Take yourself _out _of her way for sure. That's what it's going to take for you to move on and properly enjoy your very hot boyfriend."

Meredith was quiet. Finally she said, "I just…don't know if it will ever be enough. He's not Derek."

Izzie spoke in a kinder tone. "I know he's not. But you have to learn to be okay with that. That's what moving on is."

"I just thought. . .I don't know, Izzie, for the longest time after he picked her I thought it would just. . .not work out. They didn't get along, they didn't even seem to like each other. . ."

"Well, there was a lot of damage there. You know that. And then there was that shadow hanging over them. . .you. No wonder they fought all the time." Meredith was silent, so Izzie continued, "And that's changing now. I mean, they're far from the epitome of love and devotion but. . .they give along better. And you know it."

"Gee, thanks." Meredith said sarcastically. "We're going to be late, by the way."

Izzie stood and she and Meredith headed for the door. But Izzie wasn't done yet. "If you think you and Derek can be friends, that's great, do it. But don't do it for the wrong reasons."

"Like what?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Don't do it because you think it will lead for something, and don't do it because you think you can keep his attention away from Addison."

"I'm not. And shut up."

Izzie bit back a smile. "Just be Derek's friend, and enjoy McHunky."

Meredith winced. "That's the worst one yet."

"Fine. Just do me a favor with this one."

"What?"

"Clear up his marital status first."

"I _hate _you."

XXXXXX

Derek Shepard took the last sip of his coffee and tossed the cup in the trash. He started to go into his patient's hospital room when he noticed Meredith down the hall. He turned in her direction and quickened his steps to catch up.

"Hi."

Meredith turned and smiled at him. "Hi."

"So now that Doc's all healthy again…we on for walking him in the morning?"

"Course." Morning walks with Derek and Doc. Addison wasn't invited to those. For those brief walks, Meredith got to forget about everything Addison had taken from her.

"Great." He stopped walking, and she did too. They faced each other. He smiled. "Can't wait."

She nodded.

"Well, I gotta take off. See you later?"

"Yeah." He walked off down the hall. "See you."

"Mere_dith_!"

Christina was shaking her head at her, approaching from the opposite direction. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"You were having a McDreamy moment."

Meredith scowled. "Never use that expression again, first of all. Second, I wasn't. We were just talking. As friends. We're friends." There she was, saying the word friend so much. She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than Christina.

"If that's your story." Christina shoved a cup of coffee at her, then without waiting for a thank you said. "You're welcome. So how's Finn?"

"He's _great_." Meredith said defiantly. "He stayed over last night. We had sex."

"Uh, great. Thanks for sharing." She took a sip of coffee. "And what does Shepard think about it? Seeing as you two are such good friends."

This was all sounding very familiar. "What, do you and Izzie rehearse these questions? No, Derek doesn't no yet. No, I'm not completely over him. And no, I'm not being friends with him for some twisted plan to pull him away from Addison. And yes, I realize they get along better and I no longer have a chance."

Christina looked taken aback. "Okay then."

XXXXXXXX

Meredith was in surgery with Bailey later that afternoon. She began to think about what her friends were saying. Why was it exactly that she didn't want Derek to know?

There was that look, of course. She didn't want to see it again. She knew that was stupid; he had no right to be angry or hurt or jealous or whatever the hell it meant about anything she did.

She was afraid of seeing that look, yet she was also afraid of not seeing it. Yeah, she hated that expression. . .but how would she feel if he just smiled and said congratulations, said it was great, acted like he didn't care? She didn't want that, either. And she felt guilty for thinking it, knowing that she wanted him to feel bad about it. Knowing she wanted him to feel something for her.

And then there was the matter of connection. She didn't want Finn connected to Derek. She didn't want to have more of a reason to think about him while she was on a date. She wanted to keep the world's separate: dating Finn, trying to be friends with Derek. . .both were complicated enough on their own. The worlds shouldn't meet. Not until she could deal with them both.

Meredith shook her head slightly, disgusted with herself. All these thoughts made it very clear that she was not the right person to be in a relationship right now. Nothing good could come out of it.

Then there was the matter of that evening. Finn was coming here, to the hospital. He was entering the other part of her world, so to speak. The wrong part.

XXXXXXX

It was the end of a long day. Derek was looking forward to getting home and sleeping. He'd just come out of a particularly long and complicated surgery; it had been a success, however, and he was feeling quite pleased.

Derek was heading out into the lobby, looking for no one in particular; maybe Addison, to let her know he was leaving, or for Meredith, to confirm their plans for the morning. He passed the front desk and heard someone call his name, "Dr. Shepard?"

He turned, and was surprised to see Dr. Dandridge, Doc's vet. "Dr. Dandridge, hi. Good to see you."

The two men shook hands. "You, too. How's Doc doing?"

"Healthy as ever."

"Glad to hear it."

"Everything all right?"

Finn smiled. "Oh, yeah, I'm just waiting for Meredith."

Derek's smile faded into a look of confusion. "Waiting for Meredith?"

"Yeah, we've got dinner plans." Finn obviously thought that Derek, as Meredith's good friend and co-owner of a pet, knew about their situation. "Oh, there she is."

Meredith's steps stopped and her stomach lurched into a feeling of dread as both men turned to look at her.

"Hey, baby." Finn met her and put an arm around her.

"Hi." She said softly. Her eyes were on Derek's. He somehow managed to come up with a combination of shock, hurt, and confusion in one expression.


	2. I'm Still Here

**CHAPTER TWO I'm Still Here**

**Author's Note: Thanks guys for all the reviews. Keep 'em coming! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Grey's Anatomy, including Patrick Dempsey (yet…the ebay bidding war is getting intense….bwahahaha) . I also don't own the song All At Once by the Fray (the title) or the song I'm Still Here by Vertical Horizon (which is used in this chapter). **

"Hi." She said softly. Her eyes were on Derek's. He somehow managed to come up with a combination of shock, hurt, and confusion in one expression.

He kept his eyes on hers for a moment, as though asking if this could possibly be true. Then he pulled his gaze away.

Meredith's throat tightened. Finn's arm felt heavy around her shoulder.

She suddenly realized he was speaking to her. "-about ready to go?"

She nodded. Then she heard an all too familiar voice behind her say, "Dr. Dandridge?"

Finn and Meredith turned to see Addison walking up, looking from Meredith to Finn to Derek in curiosity, then gave him a smile.

He returned it. Meredith didn't. "Dr. Shepard. Nice to see you."

She raised her eyebrows at Meredith. "Are you two. . ."

Now it was Finn's turn to look curious. "Yeah, we've been dating. You didn't tell them, Mer?"

Derek gritted his teeth. He felt like doing to this guy what he'd done to Mark. Punch him out. Irrational, sure. . .Finn hadn't done anything to him except help his dog get better. But something about the way his arm was around Meredith, the soft familiar way he said her name. . .Derek didn't like it.

"No." Meredith couldn't offer up any explanation as to why.

Addison prevented her from having to. "Well, that's _great!_ That's so great. Knew there was a reason we picked his practice to take Doc, huh, Derek?" She slipped her hand into his. He remained stiff, staring straight ahead.

Addison was talking to Finn, and Meredith tried to catch Derek's eye. But he was determinedly avoiding her gaze.

Suddenly she caught the words from Addison. "-should all get together for dinner!"

"What?" Meredith heard her voice, and it wasn't alone. Derek had spoken at the same time.

"I was just saying we should all get together for dinner sometime." Addison told Derek. She added in a low voice, "Since we're such good friends and everything."

"Sounds good to me." Finn answered. He nudged Meredith. "Okay with you?"

Meredith inadvertently glanced at Derek. He had a sort of fake smile plastered on his face. Feeling helpless, she knew there was no way she could refuse. She mimicked that fake smile, forcing her lips to curve upward, forcing her voice to sound light and happy. "Yeah, that sounds…that sounds like fun."

"How about you, honey?" Addison asked Derek.

"Fun." He repeated dully. "Yep."

"How about tomorrow?" Addison suggested. Her voice was almost too perky.

Finn looked at Meredith to confirm. She nodded. Her face was beginning to hurt with the effort of that smile. "Sure. What time?"

Her 'friend' Addison made the arrangements with her boyfriend Finn while her ex-boyfriend and 'friend' Derek stared at the wall past her. She felt sick. This was a disaster.

Finally Finn started to guide her out. "So I'll see you tomorrow at eight?"

"Looking forward to it." Addison chirped back.

Meredith was silent as they walked out to the car. Finn glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Fine." She said, sounding like Addison. She remembered her fake smile. Finn slipped his hand into hers.

Suddenly she remembered another issue she needed to address. "Look, about me not telling them. . .I really haven't seen them much lately, and it's not like I'm trying to hide it or-"

He laughed softly. "Slow down, Mer. I didn't think anything about it." She nodded, relieved. "Are you sure you okay? I mean, you don't mind going out with them?"

"Of course not!" She answered too quickly. "Derek and Addison are. . .they're fun." That's what friends said about each other, right?

Meredith knew she was a horrible liar. She knew her voice didn't sound convincing at all. But Finn seemed to buy it.

She was quiet through dinner, quietly dreading the 'double date' the next night, and dreading seeing Derek the next day. She couldn't get his face out of her mind.

Finn seemed to notice her silence, because after a moment of hesitating, he asked softly, "Are you. . .are you sure you're okay?"

She just nodded. Suddenly, she thought about how many times she'd been asked if she was okay since this whole Derek/Addison thing had happened. And how many times had she lied? Now, at this point, after so long. . .she shouldn't have to lie anymore. She _should _be okay. It scared her that she wasn't.

To her intense embarrassment, she felt tears spring to her eyes. She busied herself with her plate so Finn wouldn't see. She glanced at him at one point, and she could see the awkward discomfort in his face.

She forced a smile. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just tired. Long surgery…you know."

He reached across the table and stroked her hand, which should have helped but didn't.

"What do you say we wrap all this food up and just go back to your place and relax?"

Meredith nodded.

That night, Finn stayed over again, and long after he was asleep she lay awake, hating herself and Derek and Addison and just life in general. Love in general.

She wanted so much to be happy with Finn. She wanted so much to be able to fall in love with him. But she couldn't. Her heart was with Derek, and she could find no way to get it back.

She sighed as the familiar burning tears filled her eyes again. She lay flat on her back, staring at the ceiling, and let them leak out of the corner of her eyes and slide down into her hair.

Why did Derek have to look at her like that? If he cared so much that she was dating someone, why the hell was he still with Addison? Where did he get off? And how was it possible to be so frustrated with someone, to hate them even, and not be able to stop loving them?

XXXXXXXX

She woke up the next morning much earlier than she should, and suddenly she remembered. She and Derek were supposed to meet to walk Doc.

She wondered if he'd still want to. She doubted it. But she felt like she should go. She needed to see him, to talk to him before the dinner. She didn't know what she'd say, but she knew she needed to go.

She scribbled a note to Finn, feeling weird about leaving him there. She explained that she had forgotten she'd told Derek that she'd walk Doc this morning…she left out to fact that it would be with him. She knew it sounded slightly lame, but she barely cared.

At the park, she walked around for a few minutes, her eyes darting around looking for him. Then she heard his voice, low and flat from behind her, "I was wondering if you were going to show."

She turned. He was sitting on a bench, Doc sniffing around by his feet. He looked at her, unsmiling.

"Hi." She told him.

"Hope I didn't make you leave Finn all by himself." He spoke Finn's name with a kind of bitterness.

Of all the conflicting emotions going on inside Meredith, at that moment, anger won out. "And where's Addison right now? Did you leave her all by herself, too? I don't know what the hell you're trying to do, but you _cannot _be mad at me for this, you have _no right_."

"What?"

"You. Being mad. You have no right to be mad. You're _married_ and I can date whoever I want."

"I know you can." His voice softened. "I'm not mad at you, Mer."

The way he said her name made her want to start crying. How crazy was she?

"Then why do you keep looking at me like that?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I guess I just don't. . .I didn't like it. Last night. Seeing his arm around you. Listening to him talk about you like you're his." His face twisted as though disturbed my the memory. "I know I shouldn't feel like that but. . .I do."

Meredith looked at him. He felt things he knew he shouldn't, too?

Derek continued. "I'm just didn't expect to feel that way. I didn't expect it to hurt."

"I just want you to be happy." His voice sounded so sad, and so sincere, that Meredith's eyes filled with tears. She met his, wishing she could find an easy way to say everything she was thinking. "Does he make you happy?"

She couldn't think of answer. Finally, she told him honestly, "He doesn't make me sad. He doesn't make me feel alone or afraid or. . .or any of the other things I usually feel. That's something I guess."

"I guess." He felt guilty as hell, knowing he was the one causing her to feel the things she was talking about. But he also knew that during the good times, he'd made her happy.

Meredith couldn't stop herself. "Does Addison make you happy?"

Derek stared at her. What was the right answer to that question? He couldn't really tell the truth, that no, Addison didn't make him happy, not as happy as Meredith had. That he couldn't be happy because Addison simply wasn't Meredith, and because of that she wasn't enough.

"I don't know."

Meredith felt so frustrated. "Well, that's great, Derek. That's a great marriage, I'm sure."

He raised his arms helplessly. "What do you want me to say, Meredith?"

"Nothing. Just don't say anything. And I don't want to hear anything about you being jealous of Finn or not liking that I'm with him or whatever the hell it is. Because I can't listen to that. Okay?"

He wanted to say more. But Meredith looked angry and upset, and he didn't want to push it. He put a hand on her arm to assure her. "Okay."

"I. . .I have to go." She turned around.

"Meredith. . .come on! We haven't even walked Doc yet!"

"I'm sorry, I just. . ." She sighed desperately. "I guess I'll see you at work. And. . .y'know. . .tonight."

Tonight. The dinner. He'd wanted to kill Addison when she suggested it. He knew why she had, and he hated it. She wanted to test this new 'friendship'.

It would be tested alright. What was it really anyway?

Derek sighed as he watched Meredith's retreating form. Did friends have to walk away from each other like this? Did friends get jealous? Did friends feel an almost unbearable pain knowing they could _only _be friends?

He didn't think so.

He didn't know what was stopping him from being with her now. It was a lot of things. Addison, of course. His obligation to try to save his marriage, and his guilt for his part of destroying it. There was the fact that he chose Addison over Mer. . .they couldn't go back after something like that. There was so much damage.

XXXXXXXX

When Addison and Derek walked into the cozy Italian restaurant, they found they had arrived first. They took the corner table for four, Derek sullenly silent, showing Addison his feelings about tonight.

"Are you going to be like this all night?"

"Like what?"

"Pouting. Sulky."

"Maybe."

She shook her head in disgust. "God, Derek, grow up already."

"You grow up, Addison. You're the one who suggested this whole dinner just for some twisted little game you're playing."

She regarded him coolly. "I was under the impression that we were friends. You should have no problem going out to eat with a friend."

He glared at her. "You knew I wasn't when you did this."

She had a very 'caught you' expression on her face. "So you admit it! You're not okay with Meredith dating!"

"I'm _fine _with Meredith dating. She can date whoever she wants. But I don't want to be included in her dates. It's fucking awkward Addison!"

"This guy doesn't even know about you and Meredith's twisted little history, so the only people it would be awkward for is you and Meredith! And if you really are friends, you won't feel awkward."

"So w hat is this? A test?"

She smiled innocently. "It's just a dinner, Derek. Quit analyzing, and quit looking for the hidden agenda."

"I-"

"Hey!" Finn and Meredith were approaching the table, and Derek and Addison's talk was cut off.

Pleasantries were exchanged, Finn and Addison cleared up the new first name basis of the mutual friendship of all those involved. They ordered, and the awkwardness set in.

Only Meredith and Derek could feel it of course, but for them, it was there. Meredith had spent the day at the hospital avoiding him, dodging places where she knew he had patients and staying out of the elevator. She imagined he'd done the same.

Addison had the perky look on, and Finn was at ease in any situation. They made conversation, forcing Meredith and Derek into it whenever possible. Mostly, though, the two sat in silence across from each other, avoiding the other's gaze, but stealing glances when they thought it was safe.

At one point soon after the food had come, Finn put his arm around her shoulder and gently massaged one. "You okay, baby?"

She nodded at him. This was a perfectly normal gesture. All Meredith could feel, however, was Derek's eyes on them.

"So, how long have you two been married?" Finn asked later. Technically, it was a question for both the Shepards, but it was directed at Addison; it was clear to everyone Derek was not keen on joining in the conversation.

"Eleven years." Addison said, smiling fondly at Derek. (I have no idea if that's right, the years I mean).

Derek looked up from the table he'd been scrutinizing and looked at Addison. Meredith picked a spot on the wall and focused on it.

"How'd you meet?" That was from Finn.

"Oh, well nothing special really. We worked together at a hospital in New York. We dated for about a year before he proposed. That's the real story. . ."

"Addison. . ." Derek hissed.

She ignored him.

"We'd been dating for about a year, and we decided to do this thing we did. . .brown bagging on top of the Empire State Building for dinner. We used to do that a lot. We decided to go pretty late, so we'd be getting done right when they were closing, so there would be less people. Anyway, we were finishing up eating when the elevator guys or whatever they are started telling everyone to clear out. I start to stand up, but Derek pulls me down and the elevator guy nods at him. Everyone else leaves, and we're up there alone. Derek had fixed it ahead of time Anyway, we were standing up there, alone, and Derek knew that was my favorite view in the world, and I was just wondering what was going on, and he gets down on his knee and says-"

Focus on the wall. Focus. Meredith was feeling sick. Her hand felt dead in Finn's. She was seized with sudden, deep hatred of Addison. She could feel Derek staring at her. She wouldn't look. She tried desperately to tune Addison out.

She was quoting Derek. "I love you, in a way I never thought I could love anyone-"

Meredith pulled her hand from Finn's and moved her chair back from the table. "Excuse me. Restroom." She put on that fake smile. "I've heard this story, anyway, so go on, Addison."

They all stared after her for a moment. Then Addison continued, "And then he pulls out the ring. . ."

Derek reached his hand into his coat pocket and fumbled with his cell phone. He turned the ringer on and Addison and Finn looked at him. He pulled it out to answer.

"Hello?" He felt ridiculous, but how else was he supposed to follow her. "Oh, sure, hi. Hold on one second, would you?" He stood from the table. "Sorry, guys, I need to take this." He walked away from the table with his phone pressed to his ear, sensing Addison's suspicious looks.

XXXXXXX

Meredith walked past the restrooms and headed for the exit. She stood outside in the night and tried to calm herself down.

She leaned back against the brick side of the building. She was disgusted with herself, running out like a little kid. But she could _not _stand there and listen to Addison to talk about her and Derek, sit there with that fake smile plastered on her face.

_I've seen the ashes in my heart  
I smile the widest  
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart_

Derek came out of the door, staring at her. He didn't have to say anything. He just looked.

Tears pushed at the back of her eyelids and she squeezed them shut. "Just. . . don't." Her voice quavered despite her best efforts.

He moved toward her, one arm reaching out slightly, but she stepped back.

_I tried to wear another face  
Just to make you proud  
Just to make you put me in my place_

"I tried Derek! I really did, but I just c-can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"This whole thing! Being friends with you. I can't do it. It's too hard, Derek. I can't be around you and Addison, and I can't listen to her talk about you two and I can't pretend like I'm okay with it anymore!"

_But everything you wanted from me_

_Is everything that I could never be_

"You think it's easy for me? I don't like seeing you with someone else, either! I don't like having to see that. This whole evening hasn't exactly been a bundle of joy for me either!"

"Yeah, well you don't have a right to feel that way! I do. You had a choice. You chose Addison. You had _control_, Derek. I just had to sit back and watch while you made the decision. I had to trust you. And when it blew up in my face, I couldn't do anything about it!"

"I know! And I'm sorry! But, my God, Meredith. . ."

"You said you didn't know if she made you happy."

"I don't. Sometimes I just feel so. . .I don't know, Mer, I just wonder about my choice. And I wonder if Addison will be enough now. So, no, I'm not really happy."

_The cities grow  
The rivers flow  
Where you are I never know_

She felt all the anger rising to the top over the guilt, the sadness, the fear, everything else. Right now, she felt like getting mad at him. She felt like making him angry at her. She couldn't stand the soft, sad looks anymore. She couldn't stand the way he acted like he loved her, messed with her head, all the time he had a wife.

"I don't understand you at all, Derek! You have no right to bitch about anything, because-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Derek looked quite taken aback "Who's bitching? You asked me!"

"Well . . ." Meredith stumbled over the words. "Whatever! Don't talk to me about not being happy, okay? If you're not happy with her, why are you with her? I get that you wanted to _try _to make the marriage work, but you're way past that now. It either works or it doesn't, and it's about time you grew the hell up and decided. I can't have you, but you won't give yourself fully to your wife either! And you're holding me back!"

_But I'm still here  
If you were right  
And I was wrong_

_Why are you the one who's gone?_

_And I'm still here._

He was starting to get angry, too. "How! How the hell am I holding you back? You seem to be getting on quite well with Dr. Dolittle over there!"

"Because I can't move on and get over you if you keep looking at me the way you do, and I can't be with someone else if all I can think of is you. It's not fair. I've got a really great guy, who's funny, and sweet, and actually cares about me, and most importantly, is _not married_ and I can't even let myself feel anything for him because he's not _you. _And that really shouldn't be a bad thing! Because to be _you, _Derek, is to be a liar, and too charming for your own good, and indecisive, and immature, and a lot of other things that I really don't _like _in people…" She was almost crying now. He stepped closer to her and put his hands on her arms.

_Why are you the one who's gone?_

_And I'm still here_

"Then why do you even bother with me?" He asked gently. A tear fell from her right eye and he brushed it away with his thumb.

Her voice was barely over a whisper. "Because of stuff like that. . .when you look at me I just. . .it makes me feel so. . .just every time I'm _around_ you I feel. . ."

"What?"

"I don't know. I just know that I love you. Still. And I'm kidding myself if I think I can stop."

He moved his hands up to her face, and there eyes were fixed on each other for a moment. Then, he slowly leaned in and kissed her.

_Maybe tonight  
It's gonna be all right  
I will get better  
Maybe today  
It's gonna be ok  
I will remember_

I held the pieces of my soul  
I was shattered  
And I wanted you to come and make me whole  


**Duh, it's not gonna stop here. I love cliffhangers. : ) Anyway, those are PART of the lyrics from Vertical Horizon's "I'm Still Here." Not all of them, but some. REVIEW and I'll update faster : )**


	3. Too Good to be True

**Chapter Three Too Good to be True**

**Thanks for the reviews! **

The kiss lasted a long time. Neither Meredith or Derek wanted to stop it, though there were several obvious reasons why they should; however, it felt like the rest of the world was closed, and it was left to just the two of them.

Finally, he pulled back, and rested his forehead on hers. Neither spoke for a moment. Then Meredith said softly, "You. . .you shouldn't have done that."

"I know." He replied. "I wanted to."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Meredith was quiet for a moment. Then, "So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know." He answered honestly. He pulled back from her, but ran his fingers through her hair as he did. He glanced at the restaurant. "We've been gone awhile. They might come looking."

Meredith didn't answer. She wasn't thinking about Finn and Addison. She was thinking about that kiss.

"We might better go. Inside."

"So that's it?"

"What? No, that's not it! But we can't. . .we can't talk here, not like we need to. Let's walk Doc again tomorrow, since we didn't really today, and we can talk." Meredith was silent. "Hey. . .I love you, too. It hasn't gone away for me, either."

Meredith smiled slightly. "But it's not about talking about it, Derek. We've talked about it. What do you want to _do _about it?"

"I-"

"Well, this is lovely."

They turned and saw Addison coming out of the restaurant, all perkiness completely gone. She was glaring at Derek but spoke to Meredith, "Finn's worried about you. I told him I'd come check." She turned on Meredith and said firmly, "You better get in there."

Between anger at Addison and guilt over Finn, the guilt ran out. She gave Derek a quick look before going back inside.

Addison turned on Derek. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Just leaving the table like that-"

"I had a phone call?"

"From who, Meredith?"

Derek rolled his eyes and said sarcastically. "Good one." He turned a glare on her. "And what the hell were you doing in there?"

"What, the proposal? I think it's a nice story." She smiled sarcastically at that. "It's the kind of thing you tell people."

"Since when! Not _once _when we've gone out with people we've just met, in all the time we've been married, have you ever told that story. Not until Meredith is sitting there."

"So what are you saying?"

"You know what I'm saying."

"What were you two talking about."

"Nothing."

They stared each other down for a few minutes, then it became clear neither was going to say anything more.

"Let's just go inside."

The rest of the dinner passed in awkward silence. The perkiness had left Addison, and Finn was clearly uncomfortable. Meredith just wanted it to be over. She just wanted to get Derek alone again. She wanted to finish their conversation. Make him answer.

Afterwards, the couples went their separate ways; Addison never left Derek's side, clearly not wanting to give him and Meredith a chance to talk.

Meredith sat in Finn's car later and he glanced over at her a few times before clearing his throat and saying in a would-be casual voice, "So what's the story with you and Shepard."

Meredith stiffened. She kept her voice casual, too, as she answered, "Who? Addison?"

"No, Derek." Finn's voice was more serious now.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know it's just the way. . .the way you look at each other. There's something there."

Meredith's voice was defensive, "There _used _to be."

He glanced at her. "What?"

She sighed. "Okay, um. . .when he first moved to Seattle we dated for a little while. I didn't know about Addison, they were separated. Then she showed up."

Finn raised his eyebrows. "Wow. And now you're. . .you're friends with him? Both of them."

_Not friends. _"Yeah. It was a long time ago." _Was it really? _"We work together and everything so. . ."

"Oh."

Awkward silence. Meredith began talking again, wanting to fill it. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything I just didn't want to make tonight. . .y'know weird." She nearly laughed at the irony of what she said. Like it could have made tonight any weirder than it was.

They didn't say much more about it. Finn kissed her goodnight later normally, but he didn't come inside to stay over. She didn't ask, and he didn't offer.

Izzie and Christina was sitting in the living room when she entered. "Hi!" Izzie said brightly.

Meredith groaned loudly and dropped into a chair.

"The greetings are seriously going downhill around here."

Meredith didn't answer.

Izzie sighed and looked at Christina, who nodded and went into the kitchen. She returned with several bottles of beer. "Here." She shoved one at Meredith.

Izzie spoke, "What happened?"

Meredith looked at Christina. "Why are you here?"

"George is still at the apartment and they're playing music." She made a face to show her feelings of this. "Now what _happened_?"

Meredith took a sip from the bottle. She was quiet for the longest time, debating where to start. Finally, she said bluntly, "Derek kissed me."

"_What!_"

"Outside the restaurant."

"Why were you outside the restaurant?"

Meredith sighed and launched into the whole story, from Addison and the proposal, Derek following her, their conversation, everything.

Izzie was speechless. Christina, as usual, was not.

"He actually said he loves you."

"Uh-huh."

"You're sure?"

Meredith scowled at her. "You think I made it up?"

"Just checking, don't freak." She paused. "So. . .what are you going to do?"

"It's not really up to me, is it! It's him, _again!_ I just have to sit back and watch. I wish he'd have answered me. But Satan showed up at the wrong time. _Again._"

"So I take it friendship with Addison isn't going so well?"

"_Christina._" Izzie looked at her in exasperation. "What about Finn?"

"What _about _him?" Meredith shot her a desperate look. "I. . .I know he's great. But I can't help it if I can't feel that way about him, can I?"

Neither answered.

Meredith's cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey, you." Derek's voice, soft and loving. She smiled without meaning to.

"Hey."

"Um, I hope it's not a bad time. . ." He was trying to find out if Finn was with her.

She saw right through it. "It's not."

"Good." She could hear his voice relax. "Listen, I didn't just want to leave things like that. Do you maybe want to come over and talk?"

"What about Addison?" Ah, the ultimate question.

"She's not here. She's at a hotel. We had a fight, and I told her I need to think about some things."

Meredith's heart leaped. Good news? She forced herself to remain level. "I don't think I should come over because your wife's at a hotel."

"Just to talk, Mer. Please?"

She nodded into the phone. Then, realizing he couldn't see her, said, "Yeah, okay."

"Are you coming?"

"Yes." She stood up, grabbed her jacket and mouthed, 'see you later' at Christina and Izzie, who looked at each meaningfully. "I'm on my way out."

"Good, glad to hear it." 

She opened the front door, speaking into the phone. "So…when I get there, are you going to be able to answer my-" She stopped dead. "…question."

Derek was standing on the porch with his phone. He smiled. "Hi."

"Hey." She hung up the phone and looked at him quizzically.

"I didn't know if you'd agree to come so I was ready to make you."

She smiled up at him. "Oh."

He held out his hand. "Come on. Let's go somewhere."

She took it, feeling happier than she had in a long time. For the first time, there was real hope. She could feel it.

They were in his car, and she realized they weren't heading for the trailer. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

They pulled up and Meredith smiled. "Ferryboats."

He got out of the car and came around the open her door. "Yeah, I have a thing for ferryboats."

"I remember."

They walked out to the edge of the pier and sat, watching the boats in the distance. Derek kept his hand closed over Meredith's.

She waited awhile before finally speaking, "So. . .you never answered my question. What are you going to do?"

_If I don't say this now I will surely break  
As I'm leaving the one I want to take  
_

He was quiet for a moment. "I. . .I'm going to end it with Addison. I can't keep doing pretending with her. And. . .it's wrong to be with her when I can never be happy that way because she's just not you." He smiled. "And you're the one I'm in love with, Mer. It's always been you."

Her eyes filled with tears. She had wanted for so long to hear that and believe it. "I love you, too." She whispered. She leaned in and kissed him softly.

_Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait  
My heart has started to separate_

When they broke, she said hesitantly, "One thing scares me, Derek."

"What is it?"

"You. . .you really hurt me. I mean, you broke my heart. And I. . .I just don't want to get hurt again."

He put his arm around her and pulled her close. "I'd rather die then do that again. I hate knowing I hurt you, and I don't plan on doing it again. I promise."_  
_

She looked into his eyes and believed him. "Thank you."

He absently stroked her hair.

"And about you and Finn. . ."

"I'll end it."

"Good." He smiled down at her. "How did I ever go without this?"

She smiled back, feeling completely safe for the first time in forever.

XXXXXXXX

Derek went back to the trailer in several hours, unbelievably happy. His smile faded when he saw Addison sitting there.

"Thought you were going to a hotel." He said flatly. Okay, so he'd have to get this conversation over with a little sooner than he'd planned.

She turned around and he noticed her eyes were red, like she'd been crying.

"What is it?"

"Derek I know. . .I know that we're not doing so well right now, and that you don't seem to like me much, and I'm not at my best with you either. . .that just makes this feel like it's coming at such the wrong time and I don't know what to do. . ."

Feeling panicky, he stared at her. "What the hell are you-"

"I took a test. Derek. . .I'm pregnant."

**Oh, who hates me right now? Sorry it was sort of a short chapter, but I really wanted to end it there. Not the best cliffhanger (I prefer the last chapters, obviously) but just remember that I'm a MerDer fan. : ) please review! And thanks to all the people who have reviewed so far, especially those who've left the long ones, my favorite (hint, hint) I'll update soon!**


	4. What Hurts the Most

**Chapter Four: What Hurts the Most**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, because if I did, Addison would be gone. **

**Thanks for all the great reviews, guys!**

"Pregnant?" Derek stuttered, breaking the silence that had set over them. "Are you sure?"

"Like I said. . .I took the test."

"But you have to be sure." The words came tumbling out in his panic. "You have to go to a real doctor."

Addison stared at him. He was not happy. "Derek. . ."

"I can't believe this. . ." He muttered to himself.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith stood outside Finn's office the next morning. She had woken up with the unexplainable urge to get this over with. She didn't want to go to work and see Derek with any bit of guilt.

She walked inside. He hadn't opened yet, and was rummaging around at the front desk. "Morning." She said.

He looked up and broke into a smile. "Hey! This is a surprise." He put down his papers. "What's up?"

She didn't smile. This was the part she hated. "We need to talk." Way to go, Mer. Brilliant. The oldest introduction to a break up ever.

Finn picked up on it, of course. His face immediately went serious. "I was kinda afraid of that."

"I just. . .I like you a lot. You're a really great guy. I'm just. . .not ready for. . ."

"It's Shepard, right?"

She looked at him guiltily. "I'm sorry."

"I kind of thought so." He exhaled slowly.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith went to the hospital, glad to have the break up over with. She was feeling bad about Finn; but the bigger part of her was happy. It seemed she was finally going to get what she wanted.

She saw Derek in the hallway and smiled. "Hey."

"Hi." He looked distracted. Different from last night.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

She studied him. He still wasn't smiling. "Well, listen, I saw Finn this morning. I broke up with him."

"You did?" He looked surprised.

"Yeah, I just. . .I wanted to get it over with." She paused, confused by his silence, by the complete change in his demeanor. Finally, she said awkwardly, "I guess you haven't had a chance to talk to Addison. . ."

"No. Not yet." He stared at her. He felt like something was crushing him. What the hell was he supposed to say to Meredith. Nothing yet. Addison was going to get a real test today. He wanted to be sure. "Listen, I have surgery to get to. Meet me tonight when your shift's over and we can talk." He forced a smile.

She wasn't fooled by that fake smile like Addison was. "Derek, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Look, it's no big deal." He took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "I'll see you later, okay?" He could see the confusion in her eyes, but he didn't know what else to say.

"Okay."

XXXXXXX

Derek found Addison later that afternoon. "Did you take the test?"

"Yeah, I took it."

Derek stared at her. "Well!"

She looked into his eyes. He wanted her to say no. She could see it. She felt a surge of anger. What kind of reaction was that to a pregnancy.

"Sorry to disappoint you." She said coolly. "But it's true."

His face fell.

"You're not even trying to _hide _it, are you?" She said, her words dripping with anger and hurt.

"What?" He muttered.

"Your disappointment."

"You said so yourself, Addison. . . it feels like it's coming at the wrong time." He sighed. "What do we do now?"

"What is there to do at this point?"

Derek stared her, realizing that she was right.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith was waiting for him when his shift was over. She was sitting in one of the chairs in the lobby (whatever that area is where Addison showed up) and he walked toward her.

She smiled uncertainly. "You in a better mood now?"

"Not really." He said heavily. He sat in the chair next to her and took her hand, looking into her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Meredith's heart began to pound, fearfully. His expression was dead, and at that moment she would have given anything to see that happiness she'd seen last night; given anything to feel that safe feeling she'd felt last night in his arms. Because right now, the fear was setting in.

"What happened?"

"I started to talk to Addison."

Meredith waited for more. Finally, she said, "She. . .she won't give you the divorce?" She knew that whatever was bothering him was far more serious than this, but she wanted to believe it wasn't.

"We. . .we never actually got to the part about the divorce." He looked at her, his expression pained. "She. . ." He trailed off.

The silence went on so long, the only sound the rain that had begun to pour outside, that she finally whispered, "Derek."

"She's pregnant." He said.

Meredith stared at him in shock. Her heart was pounding in her ears. She couldn't believe that. "No. . .she can't. . ."

"She is. I. . .I'm so sorry, Mer."

She pulled her hand from his, feeling numb.

"This is so not what I wanted-"

"Shut up." She said softly. "Just stop it."

His words from last night repeated themselves in her head.

_I hate knowing I hurt you, and I don't plan on doing it again._

_She's pregnant._

_I'm so sorry._

Meredith stood up. She could see him staring at her. She felt sick. He was talking, "Mer, you have no idea how much this kills me but. . .I can't abandon my kid. I _can't_. It's not my fault-"

"Not your fault?" She repeated flatly. "Not your _fault?_ It's your fault you've been with her this long! It's your fault you chose her!"

"Mer. . ." He stood up, coming closer, but she backed away. "I love-"

"_Don't_!" Her voice rose. Alex, who was just entering the lobby, stopped and stared. "Don't say that to me. Just leave me alone."

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me**

She turned and left the hospital, standing in the rain. She told herself she wasn't going to cry over him, not again, but she'd barely finished the thought when the tears came, hard and fast.

**I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while**

She headed across the street toward Joe's. She burst inside, her face streaked with tears, and sat at the bar. Joe took one look at her, "Uh-oh."

"You know the drill by now." She choked out. Joe didn't ask questions.

**Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me**

They were so _close._ After all the shit they'd been through, they had been almost there. It was so unfair Meredith felt like dying.

**What hurts the most  
Was being so close**

So it became another night of shots and tears. She couldn't stop the tears from falling, and she didn't want to stop drinking. She wanted to be numb.

**And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away**

He was gone. Again. She'd been so stupid to trust him, to trust that this could happen.

What killed her was that they could have been happy. They'd almost been happy.

**And never knowing  
What could have been**

She kept the drinks coming. She almost expected him to come inside, to having followed her. She almost wanted him to.

He didn't.

**And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**

"Meredith." She turned. It was Christina.

"Alex said you and McDreamy had a fight." She sat next to her. "What happened."

Meredith opened her mouth, wanting some smartass comment about Addison or Derek to shoot out. Instead, she started sobbing.

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It**

"Mer. . . " Christina stared at her sympathetically, and after a moment of debate, put her arm around her. "He's not worth all this."

Meredith spoke through her sobs. "Yeah, he is."

XXXXXX

Derek hadn't moved from the chair. He sat there, fighting the bitter tears filling his eyes. He had wanted to say more, but there wasn't anything he could say. This was just one of those situations where nothing you said could make any difference.

He understood now what Meredith meant about being helpless.

**It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder**

He and Addison were having a baby. And he was never going to be happy about it. He was stuck.

He would spend his life resenting her. What kind of father would he be, when Addison's pregnancy had ruined the best thing in his life?

**Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over**

He wanted to go back in time. He wanted to pick Meredith, or at least not hold on to a dead marriage for as long as he had. He wanted to go back just as far as last night, at the dock, and stay there forever.

When he was happy.

**I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**

He had a good idea where she had gone. He had to make her understand. He couldn't leave it like this.

**What hurts the most  
Is being so close**

Izzie had joined Christina and Meredith at the bar. They were sitting on either side of Meredith. She had gotten as far as to tell them that Addison was pregnant before she couldn't keep going.

**And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away**

She couldn't stop thinking about Derek's words about not wanting to hurt again. Deep down, she knew this wasn't his fault. She knew he wasn't the kind of guy who could walk away from his pregnant wife.

She knew that.

But it didn't make it hurt any less.

**And never knowing  
What could have been**

Life was cruel sometimes.

She kept drinking but it didn't stop hurting.

Izzie and Christina were saying soothing things. She couldn't be bothered to hear them. All she heard was Derek's voice in her head.

She wiped her face, but it didn't matter. New tears kept coming.

**And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**

"Meredith."

Christina and Izzie turned.

She couldn't tell if Derek's voice was real or in her head. She looked behind her. There he was. She turned back around.

"I just need to talk to her."

Christina stood up. "No, you don't. You need to leave her alone." Her voice was firm and dripping with resentment. "You've done enough. Just let it go."

**What hurts the most  
Is being so close**

"She needs to understand."

"No, _you _need to understand-"

"It's okay." Meredith said. Her voice sounded unfamiliar even to her. She turned toward him.

His heart nearly broke to see her hurting like that. "Meredith. . ."

**And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away**

"Just don't talk, okay? I get that your wife's pregnant and you understand you made a mistake. Fine. I made a mistake, too. I made the mistake of thinking things would somehow be different this time."

"Mer-"

"I said not to talk. I'm done, Derek. With all this. We're not friends, we're not dating. . .we're not anything. So just do me a favor and leave me alone."

She turned back around, pressing her lips together to keep herself from bawling right in front of him.

**And never knowing  
What could have been**

He leaned close to her, and he put a hand on her back. She stiffened, closing her eyes. Why couldn't he just go away? "I love you." He whispered, a catch in his voice.

Without turning, she answered, "You _can't_."

**And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**

He backed up. He looked from Izzie to Christina. He got the hint. He turned around and left. "Bye, Meredith."

After he was gone, Meredith pressed her hands to her face.

Christina gently pulled her up. "C'mon, Mer, let's get you home."

She didn't protest. She couldn't.

**Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do**

XXXXXXXX

The next morning, Christina and Izzie were filling Alex in on what was happening with Meredith. George was listening while pretending he wasn't.

"That sucks." Alex said, shaking his head.

"Yeah, it does."

Bailey came in. "Alright, everybody ready to go?"

"Meredith's sick." Izzie said quickly. George made a skeptical noise and Christina smacked the back of his head when Bailey wasn't looking."

"Sick?" Bailey raised her eyebrows. "What kind of sick?"

"I think it's the 24 hour virus thing." Izzie said casually. "She should be back tomorrow."

"Alright."

XXXXXXX

As they headed off to their assignments, Derek was waiting outside the locker room. Christina and Izzie pushed past him, and he knew better than to ask George about Meredith. He descended on Alex.

"Morning Dr. Karev."

Alex stared at him without answering.

"Is Dr. Grey here?"

"_Dr. Grey?"_ Alex repeated mockingly. "Why do you care?"

"I just needed to talk to her."

"Go talk to your wife." Alex pushed past him and Derek stared.

Bailey came out then. "Dr. Bailey!"

"Yeah?"

"Is Meredith here?"

"No, she's home sick. Why?" The last question was suspicious. She studied him. "Should've known this had something to do with you. What'd you do now?"

"Never mind." He turned around, depressed, and walked off.

XXXXXXX

Meredith was back at work the next day, but she avoided Derek. When he tried to talk to her she ignored him. Bailey seemed to understand something was wrong, because she didn't assign Meredith to Derek or Addison all week.

It had been a week since Addison had told him the news. Derek had been cold and distant to her. He moped around and sulked and pouted and it was not enjoyable.

One night, they were sitting in the trailer, Addison in bed and Derek sitting in a chair as far away as he could. The whole evening had been silent, until he asked flatly, "Are you going to make a doctor's appointment?"

Addison looked up, startled. "Yeah."

"What the hell's keeping you?"

She stared at him, then all of sudden she was crying.

He looked at her without sympathy. He had lost the ability to feel sorry for anyone but himself. And Meredith.

"What?" He asked finally, simply because it was required.

"Derek. . .please don't. . .don't hate me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I did something. . ."

His voice changed from disinterest at this statement. "What?"

"I know it's a horrible thing but. . .you were just so upset about it, and I knew when you came home that you were about to end it. . ."

"_Addison_."

Her voice was barely audible. "I lied."

"You lied?"

"The first test. . .it was real. It was positive. And when I told you. . .I knew you had come home that night to tell me you wanted a divorce I could see it, and I just couldn't. . ."

"What the hell are you saying?"

"The first test was real. But when I went to the doctor. . .they said it was a false positive. . .but I just. . .I knew if I told you that you would leave and I just couldn't. . ."

Derek was staring at her in shock. "You _bitch_!"

She looked up at him helplessly.

"What the hell kind of person does that?"

"Well, I was right, wasn't I! You wanted to end it!"

"Yes! You're right! I wanted to end it because it **_needed _**to end! I'm still in love with Meredith, and that's not going to go away no matter how hard I tried to make this work! I didn't think it was fair to _you_! And then you go and pull shit like this. . ."

"I'm sorry. . ."

"That doesn't make it better!" He glared at her. "You might want to get in touch with your lawyer. This is over. Officially. It's been over for longer than that."

He stormed out, slamming the door behind him. His heart was hammering in his chest. He had to see Meredith. He didn't know if she'd listen to him this time. . .but he had to try.

He went to her house and rang the doorbell. No one answered. He rang again. And another time. And one more after that.

Finally, Izzie opened the door. "Can't you take a hint."

"I have to see her."

"You better go." The kindness that was normally in her eyes was gone.

"Dr. Stevens, you don't understand-"

"You're right, I don't. I don't understand why you can't just leave her alone. Don't you get that you're making it worse?"

"I understand that, but this is different. She has to hear this, she'd want to-"

"Is there a problem?" Alex stepped up behind Izzie. (Just to let you know, in my universe Alex and Izzie are close to getting back together, but we haven't been seeing there part of the story, only MerDers. So just go with it).

"I have to see Meredith." He repeated.

"I can handle this, Iz." Alex told her, and she backed up slightly. "You need to go." His voice was forceful.

"Look, Dr. Karev. . .I get why you all hate me. You should hate me, really. But Meredith would want to hear this."

"I doubt she wants to hear anything you've got to say now." He started to close the door but Derek stepped against it to stop it form closing.

Desperately he blurted out, "Addison's not pregnant."

Alex stopped closing the door. Izzie came closer, a look of skepticism on her face.

"She lied. She's not pregnant. Please let me just talk to Meredith."

Izzie and Alex looked at each other. Finally, they stepped back. "She's in her room."

He nodded gratefully and headed upstairs.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling.

There was a knock on her door. She sighed. "It's open, you guys." She was growing tired of Alex or Izzie or Christina constantly coming by to check on her. She always said she was okay, and none of them believed them, but there wasn't anything else she could say. She was sick of lying.

Was it really lying, though? She was giving them the answer they expected, and none of them expected her to be honest.

She kept her eyes closed as footsteps approached. Then she felt a hand rest on hers and chills ran down her spine.

She opened her eyes and stared at him. "God, Derek, how many times do I have to-"

"Shut up." He said gently. "Let me talk, okay?"

"I don't-"

"Addison's not pregnant." He said in a rush. Meredith froze in mid sentence. "She lied, Meredith. She's not pregnant."

Meredith looked at him, disbelieving. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." He smiled at her.

She didn't smile back. "So. . ."

"We're getting a divorce."

"Oh."

"And we're okay now, Mer." He leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back.

"You really think we're okay?"

He looked at her in surprise. "Yeah, I mean. . .what's. . ."

"That's twice now, Derek. Twice I've had my heart broken because of you. Twice I've trusted you."

"Mer, come on! She lied! I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, but-"

"I'm really getting sick of hearing you say that."

He spoke desperately, "But I didn't! You understand, right? I couldn't just leave her if she was having my kid! I didn't want to stay with her, but I thought-"

"Derek, I know it wasn't your fault. I know you didn't mean to. "

"Then. . .then what is it?" She didn't answer, she just closed her eyes, fighting the all too familiar tears. "I don't want to hurt you. I won't-"

"You wont' do it again?" She finished his sentence bitterly. "For some reason that doesn't make me feel better."

He stared at her, his eyes full of pain. "I don't get it. A few days ago, you wanted this-"

"Right. A few days ago I believed you." She couldn't look at him. "Derek, every time we get close to getting together, something pulls us apart, and somehow it's me who ends up getting clobbered." She put her hands on his chest, talking against the lump in her throat. "I can't go through that again. And I know you never mean to hurt me but. . .that doesn't make it any better."

He was quiet for a few moments. Then, he told her earnestly, "You're right. Something always pulls us apart. But every time we've been pulled apart, something's happened to give us another chance. Just. . . just look at it that way! You have to keep believing that this. . .this is meant to happen."

She stared up at him through a window of tears. "I don't know if I can."

**And what hurts the most**

**Is being so close**

**And havin so much to say**

**And watchin you walk away**

**And never knowin**

**What could have been**

**And not seeing that loving you**

**Is what I was tryin to do**

_**Okay, so you guys called it: Addison was faking. That was my idea the whole time, and most of you called it. Anyway, I'll update faster if everyone reviews (once again, I love the long ones, but anything's great lol). By the way, the lyrics used are "What Hurts the Most" by the Rascal Flatts for anyone who didn't know that. I don't generally like country music, but this song's pretty good, and has always made me think of Meredith right after Derek picked Addison (shudder). Anyway, check it out, cuz it's pretty good. Plz review! **  
_


	5. Trust Me

Chapter Five Trust Me

**Hey guys. This isn't really the most eventful chapter, but I think the next one I post will be the last one, and this stuff really needed to be said. I wanted to kind of focus on everyone's thoughts, etc, and especially on the MerDer conversation. It's short, but I still like it. It was needed to kind of set up the finale, which I'll post sometime tomorrow (Today, really, depending on where you are. . .it's like 2 a.m. for me, which may explain the shortness) Anyway, as always, reviews make me post. Ya'll have been great so far!**

"Get off me, you perv!"

"I can't _hear _anything from there."

"Well, you're touching me."

"You shouldn't have called her!"

Izzie and Alex had just been joined by Christina and they were crowded outside Meredith's bedroom door, trying to listen to what was happening.

"Ten bucks says she tells him to go to hell?"

"Seriously, _Meredith_? Twenty says they're about to have sex."

"Fifty says-"

"Sssshhhh, someone's coming. . ."

They hurried back out of the door, turning in opposite directions trying to look casual.

Derek came out, closing the door behind him. He didn't look at anyone, just walked straight down the stairs.

"Uh oh." Izzie said.

"Damn." That was Alex.

"Meredith." Izzie said to Christina, who nodded.

They walked in. Alex hesitated, then followed.

Meredith was lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. She heard them come in and sat up, hands out in defense. "Before you start I really don't want to talk about it."

Meredith was about sick of all this. She was sick of being the person everyone felt sorry for, the person everyone tiptoed around and said soothing things, all the while she had the feeling they were becoming tired of it all.

She was sick of being miserable without Derek, but feeling too afraid to get back with him. She didn't want to love him anymore. . .it was too hard.

But of course there was nothing to be done about that.

Izzie's voice was soft; the voice she always used when she wanted Meredith to open up. The soothing, 'it's-going-to-be-okay' voice. "Mer, what happened? Wasn't that good news?"

Meredith didn't answer. She was too busy focusing on a spot on the bedspread. She was sick of crying, sick of the endless stream of tears that wouldn't stop coming because of him. She'd felt like she was constantly on the verge of tears for the past week. . .when she wasn't actually crying.

"C'mon, Mer." Christina said, her tone surprisingly gentle. "What did you tell him?"

She squeezed her eyelids shut. When Christina talked like that. . .she knew it had to be bad. She wanted to answer. . .to say something casual and calm, but she was afraid if she'd talk she would break into sobs. It was happening a lot lately.

Why did Meredith always feel like she was the one making mistakes? Just the way he looked at her. . .he made her feel guilty. _Him!_ If anyone was guilty, it was Derek. But Meredith wasn't angry with him. She was angry at fate, at life, at circumstance, and a little at herself.

**_Flashback_**

She stared up at him through a window of tears. "I don't know if I can."

He stared at her for awhile, like he couldn't quite figure out what to say to her. His eyes were full of hurt, and she hated seeing them. Somehow, it didn't matter how much pain he'd caused her. . .she felt guilty as hell.

"What can I do?" He asked pleadingly.

She looked away. If she had to see in that in his eyes anymore she would break down, she would tell him he didn't have to do anything, and they should try to make it work. Again.

"I don't know if there's anything you can do. It's not you, Derek, it's. . .everything. I'm scared."

He was shaking his head.

She looked at him. "You don't understand, do you?"

His voice was strained. "No. I don't understand why you won't let yourself be happy. You say you don't want to get hurt again but . .I don't know about you, but it hurts me to be without you."

She couldn't resist saying bitterly, "Well you were clearly okay with it for a long time."

He looked stung and she hated that. It was true, wasn't it? Tears brimmed in her eyes and she gritted her teeth. She hated crying in front of him.

Finally, he said, "I don't. . .weren't you. . ." He paused, as though he couldn't put his thoughts into words. "Weren't you okay with that a few days ago? Not okay, but. . .you were ready to move on from it. Forgive me."

"Yeah, and look where it got me. I put myself out there again-"

"What the hell did you want me to do? Addison lied, and I thought we were having a kid! You wanted me to abandon-"

"I already said it wasn't specifically about _you!" _ Her voice was shaking in anger and frustration. Her eyes were beginning to sting from all the tears she was attempting to hold back, and it felt like she was crying blood rather then tears.

"What do you think? You really think something _else _is going to happen? You think I have _another _wife? You think Addison's going to lie again? You're just looking for a reason for this not to happen!"

Meredith stared at him in anger. "You don't know me at all, do you? I don't need a reason for this _not _ to happen! I don't even know why I bother to explain things to you. You don't get it, you don't even _try-_"

"I'm _trying_! Damn it, Meredith, I _love _you."

"And what, now it's enough for you? It didn't used to be, did it? It's only enough when it's convenient for you!"

"So it's not enough for you? What else is there?" His voice was quieter now, desperate almost.

"Fear." Her voice cracked but she kept talking. "I'm so damn scared, Derek, at how much I. . .how much it hurts when something happens with us. And I know, you don't want to hurt me, and I should trust you. . .but last time I believed you and something happened all over again, and whether it was your fault or not. . ." She paused, the anger draining out of her the more she spoke. ". . .it's still killing me. And I don't know if I'm ready to take that risk again. It's too soon, Derek. I don't think I can _take _it again."

The anger seemed to have left him, too. He now spoke with a sort of quiet desperation, a pleading that was almost worse for her to hear.

"Please, Meredith. Please." He took her hands, and she stared at the bedspread again. "Look at me." He tilted her face up to look at him. Tears were rolling slowly down her cheeks. "I know you've been through a lot of shit because of me. I know you're hurting. Please. You have to take it on faith-"

"I don't have faith anymore." Her voice shook violently.

It was his turn to look away. Then he told her, "Just let me make you better. Let us be happy. It's about time we were."

She wanted so much to say yes, to fall into his arms and feel protected and safe. But she couldn't imagine being safe anymore.

"This would be so much better if you hadn't said the same stuff a week ago."

"I can't change that, Meredith. I wish I could."

She stared up at him. "I know you do. But. ..I can't change how I feel. It's too soon."

He didn't answer for awhile, just stared past her intensely, as though he was looking at something much more specific than a wall. Finally, he replied, "So what? I'm just supposed to wait?"

"I did." She whispered.

He looked at her, and for a moment he smiled sadly down at her. "You did." Then he stood. "I'm going to go."

She wanted to say she was sorry, anything to make that look go away, but she stopped herself. She knew she shouldn't apologize for how she felt. Instead, she watched him go, then sat swallowing and swallowing, trying to dissolve the lump in her throat, knowing her friends would come in soon.

_END FLASHBACK_

Meredith avoided their eyes. "It was no big deal. I said I needed time."

"It went on for way longer than that." Christina pointed out, sitting on the edge of Meredith's bed. "Aren't you at least a little happy?"

Meredith shrugged.

Izzie and Christina glanced at each other, then Izzie turned to Alex. "Alex, would you mind giving us some privacy?" She raised her eyebrows meaningfully.

Alex started to protest, but then seemed to decide against it. He nodded. Then he walked over to Meredith and squeezed her shoulder, and said gently, "You'll be okay." She looked at him gratefully, glad that was all he had to say.

He walked out of the room and then outside the house, where he was surprised to find Derek sitting on the steps.

"Dr. Shepard, what are you, um. . ."

"I don't know." Derek said hollowly. "I don't want to go home, because my wife's home. I can't stay here, because I'm clearly not doing her any good."

Alex heaved a sigh, then sat down next to him awkwardly. "She loves you, man. So whatever is going on. . .it's not because she doesn't."

"I know." Derek stared at his hands, intertwining his fingers and then pulling them apart.

Alex hesitated. "What did she. . ."

"She said she needs time." He sighed heavily. "Says it's too soon after the pregnancy thing. Says every time she trusts me that everything will be okay, she gets clobbered."

Alex couldn't tell if Shepard was against these things or not, so he said boldly, "Do you really blame her?"

Derek turned to look at Alex without answering.

Alex couldn't help himself. "I've been around the past few days. It's killing her. She's scared." Derek still didn't say anything, and Alex rushed on, "But she doesn't want you to give up. She wants you to prove to her that it's going to be okay this time." He paused. "That's my guess, anyway."

Derek nodded slowly. "That would be great if I had any idea how."

XXXXXXXX

Meredith covered her face with her pillow and spoke in a muffled voice, "Guys, I really don't want to talk. You won't understand."

"We won't? Look, Meredith, we've been here for you this whole time. Try us."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You need to." Izzie said briskly.

"You just want to know. We fought. I told him I need time. That's all."

"Why did you tell him you need time?" Izzie asked.

"You get Addison lied, right?" Christina put in.

"Yeah, it wasn't his fault."

Meredith glared at them. "You know what, forgive me for not wanting to go through everything. I just lived through it, and I don't want to do it again! I know it's not his fault, but it's _not just about him!_ I'm scared of getting hurt again, and maybe that's stupid, but it's a fact. I can't help it. Now can you two just back off!"

Izzie stared at her, somewhat taken aback. "Fine." She said, slightly annoyed, starting toward the door

Christina, however, knew Meredith well enough to know that she wasn't really mad at them. She could tell what she was doing and stared down at her sympathetically, though she was under the pillow again and couldn't see. "Mer. . ." She put a hand on her arm.

Something about the soft, low sound of her best friend's voice, the understanding and the pity, so out of character for Christina, made Meredith snap. She started bawling into the pillow. Izzie turned around from the door and widened her eyes.

Christina motioned toward her. "You're better at this than me."

Izzie came forward, still looking surprised, and hugged Meredith.

Christina waited until Meredith's sobs had subsided and then she spoke. "Mer, I'm sorry I'm not better at the whole comfort thing. Sometimes I wish I was, but. . .I'm not. I'm useless that way. But I think I can give advice okay so here it is. . .I know you're scared. You have every reason to be. But you can't let the fear get in the way of you being happy. I know why you don't want to trust him. But I know you well enough to know that you're going to be a lot more miserable wondering what could have happened if you don't take the chance. You love him. He loves you. Sometimes we have to fight the fear, and fight all our experience and just. . .take a chance. Won't it be worth it?"

Meredith lay back in bed, nodding slightly. "You might be right." She sighed, deep in thought. "But why does it have to be so hard?

**Like I said, a little uneventful, but I kind of like the MerDer fight, and I hope I was kind of able to keep it realistic. This was mainly a filler to set up my finale (which, as I've said, will only get written and posted with reviews!) **


	6. Simple choice

**Chapter Six: **

**This is going to be pretty short, but hopefully it's a good conclusion. Anyway, I'm going to try to start writing something else soon, cuz I've really loved writing this one. REVIEW THIS PLEASE, even though, as it's the last chapter I can't threaten you with no updates. How bout I say that, if you don't review, I won't write another one? Just kidding (or am I?) . Just review and let me know what you thought of the whole thing.**

Meredith lay awake that night, unable to think, her mind whirling around memories of her and Derek.

The earliest ones, like when he showed her his trailer for the first time, or when he came to her house during that huge part, or driving out to the docks and staying all night, just on a whim. . . those made her want to get back with him, to forget all the crap that came after and go back to those times.

But the later ones. . .those were the real problem. She could still remember every detail of Addison walking up that first time. The way Derek was looking into Meredith's eyes as he helped her with her coat, giving no warning that everything was about to change. The panicky feeling she'd had when he told her he was sorry. The way she felt like someone had punched her when Addison said that about screwing her husband. . .

The way he'd lied about the divorce papers. The way she'd gone the whole night of the train accident waiting for an answer. The simplicity of his reply, "Yeah, she's my wife." As though it was obvious.

The tears, the drunken nights. He'd caused it all.

Yet, Meredith knew deep down, that the only way to stop herself from feeling all that pain was to be with him. But why should it be any different this time?

She closed her eyes, trying to shut off her mind. _Sleep on it_ she told herself, though she didn't buy it. She'd always thought that expression was total bullshit. What, a person was supposed to sleep, and wake up with the solution perfectly clear?

She stayed awake.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith wasn't the only one not sleeping. Derek wouldn't go home because he thought Addison was there. He drove around for a several hours, driving nowhere in particular and then back in the direction he came.

He finally pulled in to the parking lot of the hospital and went inside.

It so happened that Bailey was on call that night, along with George. She noticed Derek leaning wandering aimlessly in the halls, and said, "O'Malley, take 4B for a CT scan. I'll be with you in a minute."

George nodded and left.

Bailey approached Derek. "You in surgery tonight?"

"No."

"Heard Addison's pregnant."

Derek made a face. "She's not. She lied."

Bailey's eyebrows shot up. "Really? Addison?"

"You're surprised?"

"Yeah, a little." Bailey studied him. "So what's the story there?"

"We're getting a divorce."

Bailey waited for more, then said, "And what about you and Grey?"

"I. . .I don't know." He ran his hands absently through his hair. "I've got a lot of damage control to do there, I think."

Bailey smiled slightly. "You're probably right. You aren't giving up are ya?"

He shook his head. "No, I just . . .I don't know what to do."

XXXXXXX

Addison Shepard wasn't at the trailer. She was at a hotel. She'd thought Derek would be coming back.

As was common that night for Seattle Grace surgeons, she couldn't sleep.

She was feeling angry at herself, and guilty, and stupid. She hadn't planned on lying to Derek about the doctor's test. She'd just seen the expression on his face. . .seen how much he wanted her to tell him she wasn't pregnant. And the lie had just slipped out from the anger.

It was quite idiotic, really.

But she'd wanted, on some level, to hurt him. Even though the fake pregnancy wouldn't have kept him with her for long, it may have prevented him from getting with Meredith.

Now, Addison was feeling guilty.

She reached for her cell phone and dialed. It rung three times before a voice said, "Hello?"

"Mark?"

"Addison."

"Listen, I. . ." She paused. "I'm coming home."

XXXXXXXXX

The next day, Addison went to see Chief Webber. She resigned. She gave him a week's notice.

Then, she approached Derek in the corridor. He glared at her momentarily then started to push past. "Derek, wait-" He kept going. She caught up to him and held the divorce papers in front of his face. "Here."

He stared at them, remembering the hesitation last time. This time, he pulled a pen from the pocket of his lab coat and signed, then handed the pen to her.

She stared at him for a moment, then slowly signed her name.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith was quiet for the next few days. Everyone seemed to realize it, because her friends didn't try to pull her into conversation.

She was thinking about Derek constantly. She was disgusted with herself at how hard she was making this decision.

She avoided him, just because she didn't know what she could say.

XXXXXXXXX

Derek was sitting in the on-call room late one night, about three days after he'd gone to see Meredith. He was thinking about what Alex had said, about Meredith not wanting him to give up. If she didn't, why was she avoiding him?

Then he realized something. She'd fought for him, even when she was so angry about him lying about signing the divorce papers. She'd fought for him That's what she wanted. She wanted to see that he was serious.

He sat thinking for a moment, then went to find Bailey.

XXXXXXXX

"Izzie, your in the pit, Alex, I need post-op notes on all post-op patients, Izzie you and George go with Burke, Christina, you're hanging with me, and Meredith, Shepard needs someone in surgery."

Her friends glanced at her before going off on there assignments. Meredith stood for a moment. Bailey raised her eyebrows. "That a problem, Grey?"

"No." She answered, quickly.

XXXXXXX

The surgery, removing a tumor from a 46 year old woman, was a success. They stood in the scrub room afterwards, and Derek waited while the other doctors filed out. Meredith started to leave and he stepped in front of her. "Wait."

She gave him a pleading look. "Derek, please-"

He put his hands on her arms and smiled slightly. "Shut up. Let me say this, okay?"

She didn't say anything, but she turned her gaze to the wall. He gently turned her face back to look at him.

He spoke slowly, in a soft, gentle voice. "Here it is. Your choice? It's simple. You can keep us apart, and stay miserable or you can take a risk, and give it another chance with me. And I know you're really scared. But, Meredith. . ." He smiled. "I love you. In a really, really big…pretend to like your taste in music-" She almost smiled, then looked down. He put on hand on her face, gently pushing a strand of hair out of her eyes and holding her gaze. "-let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head out side your window. . ." His voice trailed off.

Meredith spoke in a tight voice, "Unfortunate way that makes me hate you. . ."

"I think that was kind of specific to you."

She almost smiled. She looked up at him again, getting lost in his eyes.

"…love you." He finished.

She was quiet for awhile, resting her hand on his chest. "You remembered that."

"Of course I did. I remember every little detail. The way you looked that first night in the bar. That shocked look on your face when I first saw you at the hospital." He grinned slightly, then it faded. "How much it hurt me to tell you I picked Addison. How terrified I was when Christina told me you were the girl with the bomb. . ."

Meredith's eyes had filled with tears.

"It was always you, Mer. So. . .pick me."

She was quiet for a moment, "So what am I supposed to say now? Something about. . .about how I was drowning and you saved me?"

"No, you don't have to say that." He smiled sadly now. "If you're drowning it's because I pushed you in." She nearly laughed, though it was kind of true. Derek and his metaphors. . . "But. . ."He kept one hand stroking her cheek, but he took one of her hands in his. "I can still save you. You just. . .have to let me."

She was quiet for so long that he began to talk nervously, "Addison's resigned. . .she's going back to New York.. She won't get in the way anymore. I get if you need more time, but I think that if you just-"

She put a finger to his lips. "Shut up." Then she put her hands on his face and kissed him.

When they finally pulled apart, he smiled down at her. "Is that a yes?"

She nodded, smiling through the tears lingering in her eyes. "Maybe I'm crazy for doing this again. . .maybe I'll regret it. . . but. . .it beats the hell out of not trying. I don't think I can go without you."

"I love you, Meredith."

"I love you, too."

**Like I said, really short but. . .not much to say except for that. REVIEW**


End file.
